The Shirt
by Storymaster Caith
Summary: Temari realized something weird was going on when she saw Kankuro in The Shirt. multichapter yaoi crack!pairing romance. Oh yeah.
1. The Question

**The Shirt**

_**A/N: Hello, my darlings. Name's Caith, and this is my first Naruto fanfic. I'm hoping it satisfies. I'm a highly specialized Naruto fan (read: snob) in the sense that no, I don't write many things involving the main characters, and no, I don't really care for Sasuke. In fact, I want to see him burn. Slowly. Over a spit. **_

_**General warnings: Crack!Pairing, eventual shounen-ai (no hardcore, kiddies, I'm not good at it) general OOCness for the sand siblings (Come on, they can't be psychotic and scary all the time) timeline is after Sasuke pulls a disappearing act but before the Kazekage-Gaara-getting-his-other-soul-sucked-out incident, so we're using smexy older Chouji. If you have no idea what that means, then you just read a spoiler. Quick, go forget it. **_

_**Specialized warnings: This whole multi-chapter thing? I blow at it. Just ask my compatriots over in the Yu Yu Hakusho and Kim Possible fandoms. I'll try, really, I will, but I can't promise any kind of schedule. I suck like that.**_

**Part 1: The Question**

Temari realized something weird was going on when she saw Kankuro in The Shirt.

The Shirt was a strange shade of light green, a shade no tailor in Suna used in their dyes. There was a design on The Shirt, big and dark red, the picture-symbol for 'food'. Temari observed Kankuro sitting in The Shirt at six in the morning, blinking blearily and staring at the table like it would answer any question he cared to ask it.

"morn' Tem," he mumbled, but Temari didn't hear him. She was too busy gawking at his choice in clothing- and the fact that The Shirt was at LEAST two sizes two big, and hanging off her six foot tall built-like-a-springboard younger brother like a sack, especially around the middle, where it looked to have bulged to fit a larger person.

"Kankuro?" she asked tentatively, unsure of how to ask her brother where the hell he had gotten the ugly thing.

"Nnneh?" the puppeteer replied, his head landing with a 'thud' on the heavy table. Temari didn't bother finishing her question; she should have known better. Kankuro would not be rational for at least another four hours.

Suna is Suna, and full of things like paperwork and training and sandstorms, and so roughly twenty minutes after Temari's first encounter with The Shirt she forgot about it entirely, having other things on her mind. Gaara, on the other hand, had a better memory. Things like that help you be Kazekage.

The Shirt, as Gaara distinctly remembered, did not, in fact, belong to Kankuro at all.

The last time he had seen The Shirt it had only been near his brother by association.

Gaara spent that night contemplating. He paced back and forth across his office, sand grains following him in a tiny trail like the demented ducklings of a piper as he muttered to himself. By the time day broke over Suna, Gaara had successfully remembered where he had seen The Shirt.

With that answer, however, the Kazakage discovered that he had yet another question on his hands.

He decided to confer with Temari. Of course, Gaara being Gaara, he had decided to confer with her right then and there, at one in the morning when his sister was off in a mostly-permanent dreamland involving flowers, clouds, and one particularly lazy Konoha chunin. Needless to say, it was only Gaara's quick reflexes (and Temari's own ability to sense her sibling) that saved him from an admittedly deserved flight across suna's updrafts courtesy of a huge kunoichi fan.

"It isn't his."

"What isn't?" Temari asked (having forgotten entirely what had disturbed her upon her first meeting with The Shirt)

"The Shirt." Gaara said. "It isn't his."

"Well no duh it isn't his," the kunoichi said waspishly, her usual deference-and-respect-for-formerly-homicidal-sibling face unable to function that early. "That thing's WAYYY too big to be his-"

The metaphorical light bulb came on.

"Gaara," Temari said, almost afraid to speak as she shifted on her bed, staring at her sibling in the half-light, "If it isn't Kankuro's..then whose is it?"

Gaara blinked slowly, as though attempting to gain more time for himself, or perhaps figure out how to say what he was about to say without blowing his sister's brain to shreds. He decided on quick and mostly painless.

"Temari." He asked. "Why would Kankuro have Akimichi Chouji's shirt?"

oOo

Like any good set of siblings, Temari and Gaara unanimously agreed that asking Kankuro outright how he had come into the possession of a shirt that not only belonged to another person, but another nin-village entirely, was probably not the best idea. Thus they came to the natural solution: Snooping.

Kankuro's workshop/bedroom was, and always had been, Off Limits. There was no end to the horror stories the servants of the Kazekage's citadel could tell to anyone who would listen about the things the puppeteer was willing to do to make sure people kept their noses out of his business. Limbs had been lost, cleaning chemicals poisoned, and small children scared in the ongoing war of Middle Sabaku vs. Dedicated household staff.

Temari and Gaara, siblings though they were, had never spent any time in the underground room Temari had lovingly nicknamed 'the Dungeon'- never before had they really had a reason to look into their brother's personal affairs, both of which assumed meant wood carving, poison mixing, and assorted hysterical giggles amongst whirling saw blades. Understandably, they weren't sure how to approach the large wooden door into their brother's domain, which had never before seemed so ominous.

"Should we knock?" Gaara asked. Temari fought the urge to beat her brother for being stupid, something she might have done to Kankuro if he had said it- but the puppeteer Jounin was in Konoha, and hitting Gaara would essentially be suicide, so she shook her head, gave a heavy sigh, and replied, "No, Gaara. I don't think anything will answer."

Gaara nodded and made a motion towards the door. A tendril of his sand slipped from his ever-present gourd and wrapped lightly around the heavy brass handle, tugging.

Gaara wasn't sure where Temari learned her colorful vocabulary, and was going to ask, but decided against it once she managed to get herself down from the wire-mesh net that had snapped her up to the ceiling.

"I didn't see that." He said, a tad unnecessarily. Temari growled.

"From now on, I stand BEHIND you." She grumbled as Gaara's sand slowly tugged the door open. Both siblings dodged the flying kunai.

"GODDAMNIT KANKURO!!" Temari snarled. With each step forward another trap presented itself, until Temari and Gaara (the girl the worse for wear, the boy irritatingly spotless) stood back to back in the center of the room, kunai held in guard position in front of them. This both allowed them to deflect oncoming attacks (senbon seemed to be a favorite) and allowed them to look around.

Kankuro's bedroom was...dark. Very dark. The floor was grey, the walls were brown, and even the bed pushed into a corner had black covers. The only real light came from several long slits, high on the walls- windows to the upper level streets. Several large worktables and cabinets covered the other wall, and from the ceiling were strung various puppets and puppet parts, some finished, some not, all looking grotesque and incredibly dangerous. Temari shuddered as she glared at the lifeless glass eyes. She had never liked her brother's puppets. Behind her, Gaara was eyeing the hooks over Kankuro's bed, where Karasu would hang within easy reach, in case of an intruder- or a nosy cleaning lady.

"What are those?" he asked suddenly, pointing to another small table- this one stuck in what looked to be a niche in the wall. Temari looked at the table over her shoulder and pulled back a reflexive gulp. A tall, thin rack held vial upon vial of multi-colored fluids. Below it, what looked like a professional alchemist's set was sitting- glass colanders, several herb pots, two mortars and pestles, more oddly shaped glass containers. Long cabinets stood on either side, securely locked and, Temari was willing to bet, heavily trapped. The eldest Sabaku took a deep breath. "That," she informed her brother, "Is Kankuro's playground."

_His incredibly dangerous, highly toxic, do-not-touch-or-DIE playground. _

"I suppose it's booby-trapped too?" Gaara asked. Temari nodded. "I'd assume so, why?"

"If you wanted to hide something where no one would look, where would you put it?" Gaara asked her, lowering his kunai to observe the table speculatively. Temari blinked- then grinned. "I'd hide it where no one would dare to look." She said, an evil grin spreading across her features as her eyes roved the small poison-table- and the tiny white corner sticking out from behind the poisons rack.

"Cover me," she told her brother. "I'm going in."

Gaara nodded and moved behind her, his sand rustling in his gourd. The kunoichi took several cautious steps forward, her eyes and ears pricked for traps. A few more steps and she gained more confidence. When she finally made it to the table, she made a small noise of triumph in the back of her throat, inspecting the bit of white- a partially unrolled scroll- that had been left in the open. She nodded to Gaara, took a breath, reached out, pulled-

The scroll came away easily. She turned around, grinned-

And then felt the tug of the pull cord.

"KANKUROOOOOO!!"

oOo

Walking down the street in Konoha, a pale boy in black paused and sneezed hard, rubbing fiercely at his nose.

"Something wrong?" His companion asked.

"I think someone might be plotting my immenent demise."

"Or maybe you just have a cold."

"Possibly."

**_A/N: And that's chapter one. Whee! For anyone who thinks Gaara and Temari wouldn't fall for Kankuro's traps: He's a friggin' puppeteer. Traps and stealth are what he does, and he does them WELL, at a master's level. Also, you never expect certain things from your siblings, homicidal killing machines or not. _**

**_Well, feel free to click the review button._**

**_EDIT: Fixed as of April 11 at two in the morning EST. Because I was looking through this and saw some glaring errors that made me twitch a lot. _**


	2. B is for Brilliant

**Part 2:** **B is for Brilliant**

Sabaku-no-Kankuro was going to die.

He KNEW he was going to die; it was merely a matter of time. But until his untimely demise, he would enjoy what little the Gods had given him...

By busting a gut laughing on Gaara's office room floor.

"This ISN'T FUNNY, Kankuro." Temari hissed icily, glaring death, her violent stature and pose offset by the bright green pigment of her skin and hair. Kankuro rolled over, attempting to stop his hysterical giggles and failing miserably.

"Serves-snerk-you right- gerk- for poking your nose in where it doesn't..BWAHAHAHAAA!!" Kankuro pounded a fist on the floor, clutching at his stomach as it began to cramp up. "Oh god, it HURTS!"

Temari's eye began to twitch as Gaara watched the proceedings with fascination, pale hands clasped in front of him. It was obvious that he wasn't planning on stopping his brother, so Temari did the next best thing. She unsheathed her fan and snapped it open.

Kankuro was behind her before the fan came down, the resulting blast of air- with no puppeteer to hit- decimating a bookcase. Both elder Sabaku looked at it in mute shock and then at Gaara, who rose a non-existent eyebrow and said, with no emotions whatsoever, "That's coming out of your paycheck."

"Goddamnit, Kankuro." Temari growled, twirling around to see her brother perched on the couch behind her. "Get this shit off of me NOW!"

"No can do, sis." Kankuro shrugged. "It's semi-permanent and stuck there with a jutsu. It won't come off for another week at least."

"Why on EARTH did you create something so USELESS?" Temari asked, glaring in distaste at her emerald green skin. Kankuro scowled. "It isn't useless." He informed his sister. "We live in the desert. Have you ever seen a bright green person in the desert?"

"No."

"Well there you have it."

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"It does when I don't want people sneaking around my poison table." Kankuro's dark green eyes narrowed. "Damnit, Temari, there's dangerous stuff in there! The pigment's as much a precaution as an annoyance so I can tell what dumbfuck decided they wanted to test their luck. Did it even occur to you what you might be poking around? I've got shit in there I haven't even developed antidotes for!"

"Then I guess you'd better get to WORK, now shouldn't you?" Temari hissed, but the tone of her voice had changed; it was slightly more gentle, a little softer, in a way that no one but her siblings could comprehend. _Sorry, baby brother, _it said. Kankuro nodded and patted her on the shoulder.

"Well," he said with a grin, "At least now you match Nara's chuunin vest. You should go see him before it wears off!"

This time he didn't even bother trying to duck the fan.

Gaara observed his siblings chasing one another around for a little while longer before kicking them both out, informing them that he had Extremely Important Paperwork to do and that he would expect them both on time for the council meeting that afternoon.

It had not escaped his notice that, due to the skirmish, Temari had not asked about The Shirt, and Kankuro had offered up no information.

oOo

Snooping had proved ineffective. After that incident (in which Temari's aim with smaller air blasts improved dramatically and half the newer chuunin staff became acquainted with the medical ward) neither sibling had made a second attempt to foray into Kankuro's tiny world within the citadel.

That left option number two.

Gaara was...leery of the Red Sands Playhouse. Since Suna's beginnings, the Red Sands had been the stronghold of the Puppeteers. The giant theatre/fortress acted both as entertainment to the citizens of Suna and as training ground and lair of the sand's master actors. The dynamic of the Red Sands was a strange one; no sand shinobi who weren't puppeteers were allowed past the stage, and not even the Kazekage could enter the theatre's depths without express permission of the Suna Troupe Master, leader of the puppeteers.

The current leader was Chikamatsu, or Chiyo-baasama, Kankuro's former master..and the woman who had sealed Shukaku into Gaara's body at birth.

Since officially taking on the mantel of Kazekage, Gaara had managed a few things, not the least of which was calming the "I-am-going-to-kill-you-as-soon-as-you-blink-or-cough-or-do-anything-remotely-human-in-my-presence" vibe he had once exuded. However, things were still rocky, and probably would be, for a very long time. Even with Temari, who commanded respect among the Suna Jounin, and Kankuro, who was heir to the Troupe Master title in everything but name, certain things simply had to be left the way they were. And barging into a nest of poison-happy puppeteers demanding to know about a shirt they might not even know existed was pretty high on the Kazekage "List-of-shit-to-NOT-do-if-you-want-to-keep-your-title."

And that...left paperwork.

Lots and LOTS of paperwork.

Gaara glared down at his desk, wishing to all hell he could simply swish the paper away in a rush of sand. But then someone would find it. And recognize it as his. And then Baki would go off on a tangent about how the Kazekage was supposed to keep his paperwork in order, who said a village ran itself on kunai and sunshine?

The redhead began shuffling through the mission paperwork. A few C ranks..he could push those on that last chunin Temari had thrown through a wall.. a B rank..Wave Country, to be finished in the week.

Another B rank. Special invitation to Konoha, to schedule planning for the next...chunin exam...

Slowly, oh-so-slowly, a grin began forming across Gaara's emotionless face. It was a grin that none living remembered, save perhaps his two siblings and Baki; it was a grin no opponent had ever lived through.

Leaning back in his oh-so-comfy "Leader of the village, BITCH" chair, Sabaku-no-Gaara began to plot.

He was brilliant.

oOo

Two hours after Gaara had given her the assignment, Temari was already on her way, a one-woman wave across the sand. Kankuro, she knew, would be heading out in another day- to Wave country, on an escort mission that Gaara had assured her would take at LEAST a week, not counting travel time. That left her and Konoha...and Chouji Akimichi, former owner of The Shirt.

Temari spent her three days carefully contemplating each and every scenario she could think of, ranging from "Hey, did you know my brother has a shirt just like yours?" to "Did you destroy all his clothes in an attempt to reach his hot body?"

She hoped to avoid that one at all possible costs.

She arrived on time, as per usual, at the gate of Konoha village. A quick check of her ID papers and the two nin at the entry let her inside, informing her that her escort would 'be along shortly' in a tone of voice that clearly told her 1)her escort was supposed to be there ages ago and 2) he was probably sitting on a hilltop somewhere looking at clouds and calling her troublesome.

A half hour later, she was proven right on both counts.

"SHIKAMARU, YOU IDIOT!!"

"Naahh, what?"

"We were SUPPOSED to be there FOREVER ago! Geeze, don't you ever pay attention to the time?!"

"Time is troublesome."

"You're gonna be in trouble if we show up and- Temari!!"

The Suna kunoichi stood from her seat behind the entry desk as another kunoichi came into view, dragging a familiar ponytailed chuunin behind her.

"Hello, Ino." She greeted. "Moron."

Shikamaru glared at her. "Troublesome." He muttered. Temari rolled her eyes at the same time Ino did; they grinned at one another as the Yamanaka released Shikamaru and bowed. "Hokage wanted to see you this afternoon," she said, glaring at the bored-looking chuunin beside her, "but this idiot managed to make us all miss the appointment."

"That's okay," Temari said, "I need to move in there anyway. HE can explain to her why we missed the meeting."

At the mention of himself in reference to the completely terrifying Hokage, Shikamaru Nara seemed to pull a little bit out of his cloud daze and rolled his eyes. "I don't know why you need to be here." He said with a shrug. "The chunin exams aren't for another year."

Temari grinned. "Oh, I don't know." She said, "Maybe it has something to do with an invasion...and a peace treaty..and that time I kicked your ass..."

"I forfeited that fight."

"Because you didn't wanna lose to a girl."

"Tcht-"

"Troublesome." Both girls said at the same time. They smiled at one another.

Shikamaru felt a definitive shudder go down his spine. Asuma had once said that the feeling meant someone was walking over your grave. The Nara had long ago decided that Suna nin did not walk over graves. They stomped over them in spiked ANBU cleats.

"Actually, Temari," Ino said as they neared the guest houses, "it's a good thing you're here. There's something that's been bothering us and Shikamaru's waaayy too lazy to bring it up."

"What do you mean?" Temari asked. _And man, you aren't the only ones..._

"Well..it's this." Ino reached into her weapons pouch and removed a small pot. She offered it to Temari. The Suna kunoichi blinked. "This is Suna-made." She said, flipping the pot over. "I know the potter- that's his seal."

"Yeah, we know. We found it in Chouji's apartment earlier."

"You make a habit of digging through friends' apartments?" Temari asked wryly. Ino shook her head. "No! Chou asked us to water his plants while he was gone since he wouldn't have time to do it himself and that pot was on his dresser. Shikamaru realized it wasn't from Konoha, and- well- here you are."

"What's in it?" Temari asked. Ino glanced at Shikamaru, who lolled his head back to look at the Suna nin. "Open it up and see." He said.

Temari unscrewed the lid.

She stared.

She stared a little more.

She looked up to see a face essentially identical to her own on Ino's features. Shikamaru was busy looking up and ignoring the fact that life went on around him.

"Ino," she said, as calmly as she could manage. "How did Chouji get a pot of my brother's facepaint?"

oOo

A few miles away, on his way to a B Level escort mission in Wave country, Akimichi Chouji began sneezing.

**_A/N: Oh, Chouji. You have no idea what you have just unleashed. At all. It almost makes you feel bad for them. Almost. And there be chapter two of The Shirt. XD Sorry about the random linebreaks, I'm trying to find something this pox-rotted format will accept to separate bits of story...and did you know there are, like, three different ways to spell chunin and no one knows how it's really spelled? (and no, that's not a hint for you to tell me. I'll figure it out. but that's why it's probably not all the same here.) _**

**_YAY FOR CRACKPAIRINGS!!_**


	3. New Formation! InoShikaTemari?

**Part 3: New Formation! Ino-Shika...Temari? **

A few hours after Temari had settled into the guest barracks and Ino had managed to bully Shikamaru into staying with them, the three ninja walked down the street, searching for a place to eat and discuss. Temari had yet to explain to the two members of Team 10 what it was she had really come to Konoha for.

"oh, hey, let's try here!" Ino said. "Chouji loves this place, he'd be pissed if he knew we were going without him."

Temari glanced around. "Is he that addicted to barbecue?"

The looks the other two nin cast her answered the question immediately. "Do not meddle with the foodstuffs of the Akimichi," Ino said solemnly, "For you are crunchy and go good with ketchup."

Temari blanched. "TELL me that's not a village proverb!" she exclaimed, her fear for Kankuro's sanity automatically doubling. Ino flapped her hand dismissively as they sat down at the wide table. "Nope, just a Yamanaka one. Daddy says Chouza nearly took his arm off once."

"At least he wouldn't go to waste." Shikamaru commented.

"You shut up!" Ino glared at him, then glanced at Temari. "You seem really tired, Temari," she commented. "Did you want to rest? We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Temari sighed, long and loud.

"It's not that, it's something else, and maybe you two can help me with it." She started. "I know I'm officially here for the chunin exams, and I will fill that function to the best of my ability, but what I'm really here for is probably quite similar to why you showed this to me." She motioned to the pot of her brother's paint, setting it on the table. "Has Chouji changed his wardrobe a lot?"

Ino shrugged. "He's been wearing his family armor more often, getting used to it for the next exam. Why?"

"So you haven't seen any of his old clothes?"

"That would mean I paid ATTENTION to his old clothes." Ino commented. "Why?"

"So you haven't seen him wear this?"

Getting The Shirt had taken Temari three hours and Baki. Who hadn't understood why exactly it was that his eldest student was consistently using him as a human shield while she dug through her brother's laundry, making numerous noises of disgust and in some cases, surprise. Needless to say, the Wind Sword now sported several new bruises, a nasty cut on his left arm, and a severe case of shellshock brought on by the wall of poisoned senbon, which would have taken his life had Gaara not happened by on his way to give his sister her official mission papers, which she had left in her haste to discover the offending garment. Of course, the hot pink splotches that now decorated the Sand Jounin's right side certainly weren't going to help him in the long run, but Temari had gotten The Shirt, and that was what mattered.

Ino's eyes widened to the size of saucers, her pupiless irises reflecting the 'food' symbol on the front of the worn shirt.

"How'd you GET that?!" she exclaimed.

"Kankuro showed up to breakfast wearing it." Temari replied coolly. "As. A. Nightshirt."

Ino's eyes widened even more.

"No way." She breathed. "No WAY."

Temari leaned forward. "Ever got an inkling?"

"Never." Ino pushed her blonde hair out of her face as she glanced at Shikamaru.

He'd fallen asleep.

Both Kunoichi growled, and a simultaneous fan-and-punch combo brought the Nara out of his slumber with a yelp. "WHAT?!" he demanded.

"Shikamaru, is Chouji gay?"

The Nara blinked. He blinked again.

"You interrupted a perfectly good nap to ask me that?" he replied incredulously. Ino glared at him. "Just answer the question, lazyass!" she snapped. Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"I haven't asked. It's too troublesome."

Translation from Naraspeak: It was never any of my business.

Ino sighed, then turned her head back around to face Temari. "I've never even thought about it." She confessed. "I mean, it's not like Chouji's ever shown any interest in girls, but I always blamed that on his size. It never occurred to me that he might just..not like them."

"There might be a perfectly innocent explanation." Temari said cautiously. "Like..maybe they went on a mission and Kankuro's shirt got ripped. They HAVE run missions together.."

"But they were always with someone else, and why," Ino tactfully pointed out, "would Chouji give Kankuro THAT shirt?"

left unsaid, _that incredibly well-broken in obviously Akimichi-made completely authentic to Konoha and never seen outside its gates shirt? _

Temari groaned. They were running out of options.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes as the girls continued to talk in low voices. Really, this was all such a drag. He glanced at the waiter (who had been watching the girls debate with a fascinated gaze) and waved his hand. The man nodded and hopped to it, and Shikamaru had to smile. Sometimes being the teammate of an Akimichi was the best thing ever.

Ino and Temari shifted apart as the meat was laid over the sizzling griddle. Shikamaru glanced out the window at the sky, sighing deeply. If Chouji were here he would have already found a way to avoid the girls and get Shikamaru to his cloud-watching spot, munching on chips the whole time. Instead, he was in Wave Country, preparing for an escort mission.

"-so it's settled then. Shikamaru?"

The Nara jerked out of his thoughts. 'What?" he asked. Ino huffed. "Were you even paying ANY attention?" she asked, exasperated. "We're going to go through Chouji's apartment."

Alarm bells went off in the lazy nin's head. "You want to WHAT?" he asked. Temari shrugged. "If we want to know what's going on then the proof's gonna be in there." She said. "And he's your best friend, so you know the traps he uses and the places he'd hide things.."

Ino nodded. "Shikamaru, pleeaassseee?" she asked. "It's a matter of life and love and happiness!"

The Nara glared. "Troublesome!" he practically spat the word.

"Nara."

Shikamaru glanced at Temari, whose bottle green eyes were as serious as they had been the first time they faced one another in the arena.

"Chouji." She said calmly. "Dating. My brother."

Ever since that spectacularly failed mission to go get the damnable Uchiha, something almost indescribable had been occurring within the heart of one Shikamaru Nara. Long ago pronounced the laziest ninja ever to grace the halls of the Academy, he found himself pushed into more and more troublesome situations- fighting, leading, teaching...LEADING. And in each and every instance there had been one constant, one single factor that was in all of the genius's plans simply because he was so permanent, and that was Chouji. Ever since the pill- ever since the spectacular death of Jirobou of the Sound Four- Shikamaru had, whether he willed it or not- kept a much closer eye on his best friend.

A small part of him- a very small part- was telling him that this was all troublesome, and really, it couldn't mean anything good for anyone, and why was it their business if Chouji was banging a Suna nin? Really, what harm could come of it?

Kankuro.

Shikamaru did not like Kankuro. He didn't like his painted sneer or his puppets or his irritating ability to never be who one thought him to be. Shikamaru did not like actors and he did not like mysteries and he HATED cats, and Kankuro reminded him of all three with his cocky grin and arrogantly assured feline walk. They had run a few missions together, and had gotten on fine; Kankuro seemed more than willing to hand over the reigns to the genius when need be; but there was something slick and reptilian and secret underneath that white and purple paint, that easily built facade. To top it all off, the Suna nin had the dubious reputation of being..well..loose.

That, dating Chouji?

Oh. Hell. No.

There were few things in this life that Shikamaru Nara would be bothered with..but the welfare of Chouji Akimichi was one of those things, especially when Chouji couldn't figure out what was good for him.

His eyes met Temari's. The Suna kunoichi wasn't sure she liked what she saw running through his head, and was about to stand up for her brother's honor, when two things occurred to her: One, her brother had no honor, and two, she wanted to get to the bottom of this as well. Ino grinned. "Formation?" she said. Shikamaru sighed. "Ino-shika-temari." He replied. "How troublesome."

oOo

**Meanwhile, in Wave Country... **

"You left WHAT on your dresser?!"

"I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think they'd care. Ino probably thinks I'm seeing some girl and Shika would call it troublesome."

"It's not MAKEUP, damn it, first of all, it's thicker, second of all it's POISONOUS, third-MPPH!"

Chouji had to hand it to himself. He wasn't a genius, but at least he knew how to strike one person speechless.

**_A/N: And that's chapter three. I struggled with writing Shikamaru- I wasn't sure I made him lazy enough, and as Chou's best friend he's gonna have a big part in this wonderful crackfest. Oo I hope I do him justice. Oh, Chouji and Kankuro. You two are so blissfully oblivious.OH! I know that in some fics people portray Kankuro as adding 'ja' at the end of sentences and where his voice pauses- I have no idea where that comes from, so we're just gonna leave it alone for now, but if someone would like to enlighten me, I'd be thrilled. Keep an eye out for chapter four!_**


	4. Concern no Jutsu

**Part 4: Concerned-No-Jutsu**

After a good night's rest and a long delayed meeting with the Hokage, Temari and Ino met Shikamaru on the street in front of Chouji's apartment. The Nara was grumbling and muttering the word 'troublesome' under his voice, but he was swinging a spare key on one thin finger, and sourly informed the two girls that YES, he had already uncovered all the booby traps, and yes they could go in without being attacked by kunai or shuriken or anything else sharp and pointy. He then tried to slink away, but Ino had his number, and it was with hands of steel that she dragged him up the stairs behind Temari and into their team mate's abode.

Akimichi Chouji was a clean person.

This surprised the hell out of Temari, mostly because she took her life into her hands (literally) every time she entered Kankuro's room. Chouji's apartment was only lightly booby-trapped, and Shikamaru knew where all the wires were. There were no clothes lying about, no dirty dishes in the sink. The plants were well-watered and the place smelled like clean. Temari glared beadily around the spotless living room, filled with jealousy. Stupid Konoha nin didn't have to worry about tracking sand in THEIR sandals. It had taken her a week to do her spring cleaning.

"How does he DO it?" she asked Ino as the girl began her search. The Yamanaka flipped her whiteblonde hair out of her face and shrugged. "He's Chouji," she offered by way of explanation. Shikamaru, dozing on the couch, gave an agreeing nod as he watched through slitted eyes. "I think dirt just kinda leaps off of him. Dunno if it's a jutsu or what but his entire family compound is like this."

"Good, maybe he can rub off on my brother." Temari remarked as she opened one of the smaller closets.

"Which one?" Ino replied as she came to help. "It seems to me with one that wears makeup and one that carries sand around in a huge gourd the cleanup would be a nightmare."

"Nah, Gaara's usually pretty clean, he can control the sand around him and the bastard's always got a sand-free area. It's Kankuro who's a complete slob- well, in his room, anyway. His other workshop's spotless but he's the only one who has a key to it." Temari reached up to remove an armored tunic from a hanger and yelped as it fell to the floor with a heavy thud. "holy hell, what's IN that thing?!"

Ino blinked at it. "No one knows, actually," she said. "The material's an Akimichi family secret. It's chakra-matched to the person who wears it and it changes size to fit their jutsus."

"Why would it have to change sizes?" Temari asked quizzically, attempting to lift the shirt and just barely succeeding, grunting under the weight. Ino looked sidelong at her. "Imagine an army of Akimichi bearing down on you. Sans clothing."

The tunic fell to the floor again. Ino started giggling. "Yeah, that was kinda how I reacted, too."

Temari shuddered. "How on EARTH do you deal with this?" she asked, shoving the tunic back into the closet, which had yielded no results. They moved on to the next room- the kitchen- as Ino shrugged. "The Ino-Shika-Chou trio's been working for over four generations. We've got teamwork that beats the other guys. It's just...always been that way."

"Have there been teams that weren't ino-shika-chou?" Temari asked, curious despite herself. Both girls opened up cabinets as Ino nodded. "Yeah, there have been. Chouji's big brother Chouichi? He was on a genin team with Uchiha Itachi and Inuzuka Hana. Boy were they a mess, and not just because Itachi's a slimy bastard, either. Chouji says that's why Chouichi's such a morbid bastard." She blinked into the fridge. "Hey! That jerk has animitsu! He KNOWS I love this stuff!"

Temari froze. "What kind?" she asked warily. Ino blinked at her. "Strawberry," she said, squinting at the container. "Why?"

Temari reached over Ino's head and pilled the container out. "Does Chouji usually eat animitsu?" she asked. Ino shook her head, sensing an epiphany. "No, he's not so much into sweet things, although every once in a while he goes on a killer sugar spree. Why?"

Temari sighed. "Because this is Kankuro's favorite kind." She said bleakly. Ino 'eeped' and dove back into her cabinet.

Half an hour later, the entire contents of Akimichi Chouji's kitchen were spread across his table and countertops. Temari could feel her brain atrophying. The animitsu, the salmon-stuffed onigiri, the pickled plums...all of this was food that Ino had confirmed Chouji did not usually eat. In fact, he was rarely seen with it...

..but it was all on a birthday menu hidden away in the Kazekage's Compound Kitchen, because Kankuro was his brother, after all, and deserved a treat every once in a while.

Temari was visibly drooping. "We're doomed," she groaned as Ino hastily stuck all the food back in the cabinets and fridge. "DOOMED."

"But this isn't conclusive proof!" Ino argued. "I mean, even the shirt and the paint- it could have all been a mistake!" she was grasping at straws and both of them knew it, but Temari thought it was nice that she was trying. "Come on, let's try the bedroom."

Chouji's bedroom was nothing like Kankuro's. Kankuro's was dark and dank and looked a lot like a prison, full of poisons and woodchips and dirty laundry. Chouji's was as clean as the rest of his apartment, and tastefully decorated in shades of red and brown. Shikamaru was lying on the bed, having, at some point, gotten up the energy to move while Ino and Temari were destroying the kitchen. He opened one eye as they both entered.

"Did you put everything back the way it was?"

Ino put her hands on her hips, huffing. "Of COURSE! Do I LOOK like a fresh academy genin to you?"

Shikamaru's eyes closed again. "It's troublesome, but Chouji would notice immediately if someone messes with his kitchen."

Temari blinked. "How bad IS this food fixation?" she asked, heading for the closet. Ino herself prepared to war against the dresser. "It's not really a fixation," she replied, opening and closing drawers. "It's kinda required. It's the way his family is. They convert calories into chakra. No food, no chakra. A thin Akimichi's a dead Akimichi." A shadow crossed over her eyes. "We figured that one out the hard way."

Temari nodded shortly with a small glance at Shikamaru, who had foregone pretend sleeping in order to stare at the ceiling. She remembered sitting outside that emergency room. She remembered watching the tiny bag of bones being wheeled in and thinking that no one was meant to be that small.

They continued working in silence as people walked by about their business. Once or twice Temari thought she heard voices she recognized; and she took a break from her snooping in order to observe, for the first time, a challenge between Rock Lee's crazy sensei and Naruto's perverted sensei, something to do with who could stand on their heads the longest. Temari couldn't remember laughing so hard. Ino's commentary didn't help at all.

"All you leaf-nin are nuts," she declared as she headed back to the closet. "I mean seriously. No one in Suna acts like you whackjobs."

"Nah, in Suna they wear makeup and play with dolls," Ino replied with a grin, and although Temari smirked, she shook a finger at the younger kunoichi. "Don't ever let Kankuro hear you say that," she warned. "Call them dolls if you want but they're killing machines all three, and he's not the only one who wears that paint. There are, like, two hundred more."

"Two hundred?" Ino asked. "Two hundred puppeteers?"

"Yeah," Temari confirmed. "They're like a guild, almost. They have a stronghold in Suna, the Red Sands Playhouse, and they're...well...a little like your ANBU, I guess." She was getting to the back of the closet, rooting around. "Completely fucking nuts, every one, but they're amazing to watch. They put on kabuki plays and puppet shows and whatnot- that's where the paint comes from, the first Puppeteer was also a Kabuki actor. They're just as much performers as they are ninj-"

She stopped. Her arm was buried all the way in the back of the closet and she wrapped her fist around a handful of material and pulled just as Ino made a soft choking noise and yanked something out of Chouji's bottom drawer. Both girls threw their finds on Shikamaru, who made a protesting sound but didn't bother moving.

Ino stared at the black bodysuit that would never fit Chouji from the closet as Temari attempted to glare holes through the bunraku hood from the dresser, complete with Suna hourglass hitai-ate.

"There's absolutely no way to keep justifying this, is there?" Ino asked in a small voice. Temari groaned and fell onto the bed.

"Kankuro, you IDIOT!!"

Shikamaru snorted. "Troublesome," he said, eyes flashing dangerously. "Verryyy troublesome."

**Meanwhile, in Wave Country... **

-achoo!-

"Kankuro, are you alright?"

"Yeah, 'mfine. When's the next checkpoint?"

"Another hour. Are you SURE you're alright? I can make you some tea if you'd like, you've been sneezing like an asthmatic in the Inuzuka household."

"I'm FINE. Mama Bear. Don't worry."

"WHAT did you just call me?!"

"You heard me, crazy housewife. I swear to-ACKK! Not the neck, NOT THE NECK!! GODDAMNIT. CHOUJI!!"

**_A/N: -dies- I swear, I like writing the wave country bits the best. They have no idea, and it's so much fun. Poor Temari, no more justifying it now! Question is, what'er they gonna do? To be honest I have no idea, but once I figure it out there will be another chapter yay! So please stay tuned, and remember, crack is good. Crack is VERY good. Further note: I realize I keep using the Japanese and English versions of saying names simultaneously. That's because I am a creative writer and reading this aloud, the switch sounds good. I am unapologetic._**


	5. Recipe for Disaster

**Part 5: Recipe For Disaster**

One day after Ino and Temari made their monumentous discovery and four days before Chouji's expected return to Konoha, Shikamaru was cloudwatching. Or, to be more correct, he was glaring up at a half-cloudy sky wondering why each and every bit of fluff seemed to look like a butterfly, a cat, or a combination of the two.

Sitting beside him in the grass were the pot of paint and the bunraku hood, both items he had promised Ino would be returned to the apartment before Chouji got back. Temari had warned him against using the paint, stating (with a sort of sheepish look) that, like almost everything else Kankuro used, it contained poisons, and would probably kill him if he started messing with it. Shikamaru glared at it now.

"Troublesome." He practically snarled.

"What is?" The Nara turned his head to watch Ino come up the path. The girl perched lightly beside him. "You missed classes at the academy." She said, but her voice lacked its usual searing screech; she wasn't upset with him for it.

"What do we say to him?" she asked, leaning back with a soft 'thump' and gazing up at the sky with her team mate. "What CAN we say?"

Shikamaru didn't say anything; he merely narrowed his eyes another fraction and continued to glare at the clouds. Ino looked at him.

"I talked with Sakura."

THAT got a reaction. Shikamaru twisted his head around to stare at her. "What did you do?" he demanded. Ino held up her hands in surrender. "Nothing that could possibly ruin your life, oh exalted Lazyass." She said. "I just wanted to talk it over with someone who wasn't you or Temari. Sakura won't gossip."

"Hn. But you will." Shikamaru pointed out. Everyone in the village knew that Ino was a shameless brownnoser. The girl sniffed. "Not when it comes to Chouji, I won't. I never do." She said with a pout. "You should know that, Shika."

The shadow nin rolled his eyes. "What happened when you talked to Sakura?" he asked, despite himself.

"We decided you're pissed off."

"Pissed? Why would I be pissed? It's too troublesome." The genius said. Ino rolled her eyes. "Shikamaru Nara," she said, exasperated, "You might be a genius but I'm no slouch, and I'm certainly not blind. This isn't about Kankuro at all."

"What made you think it WAS about Kankuro?"

"Because you helped us." Ino shot back. "You would never help Temari or me unless you were honestly afraid for Chouji- at least, that's what I thought. But I think I'm wrong. I don't think this has anything to do with Chouji at all. I think it has everything to do with you."

She rolled over so that she was on her stomach and within poking distance of her teammate. She then proceeded to extend one thin finger and poke him in the ribs with each point she uttered.

"You're angry at Chouji because he's kept a secret from you. For the first time, he's done something you didn't predict, and that pisses you off. It also worries you, because you thought that he'd talk to you about anything, and that includes romance. You don't like Kankuro, so you assume that he'll hurt Chouji not because he's that kind of person, but because you haven't approved him."

Shikamaru stared at her. Ino sighed in frustration.

"you can't protect him forever, Shikamaru!" she said.

The scent of red pepper filled his nose, every sense going haywire as a bony face with cheeks too thin and eyes sunken into their sockets blinked out at him from a sea of plastic and oxygen, and a soft voice whispering like sandpaper_, "I beat him, Shika."_

Ino supposed that it shouldn't have surprised her when Shikamaru sat up, flipped onto his knees, and crouched, closing his eyes and bringing his hands together in a familiar pose. She blinked once, twice, at his sudden defensive gesture before lightly patting him on the shoulder, knowing he wouldn't notice.

"Don't worry so much, lazy." She said with a small smile, standing up to head back down the hill. "It's bad for your skin."

**oOo**

"Where are we going?" Temari asked for the hundredth time. She'd been in the middle of setting up the housing for the next chunin exam with Shizune when Nara Shikamaru, grim faced and serious, had burst into the office and demanded that she come with him. Shikamaru tugged her down another side street, nodding briefly at Shino Aburame, who nodded back and continued on to where his team was waiting for him.

"We're on a mission." The Nara said.

"Ummm...no, the mission's back at the office. Shikamaru, what are you doing?"

"Finding the two people who can hopefully help us figure some stuff out." Shikamaru glanced at the position of the sun. "They should be right around here..."

"RIVAL!! It seems I win again!"

Temari stopped dead.

"You have GOT to be kidding me." She said.

But no, standing there in a wide training field were, indeed, the two men the Suna kunoichi knew respectively as 'crazy sensei' and 'pervert sensei'. Kakashi had apparently lost that day's challenge, which seemed to consist entirely of balancing on a tiny red sake cup. He appeared to be waking up from a nap which had been interrupted when, in slumber, he fell from the cup. He blinked one grey eye at their sudden company.

"Shikamaru." He said with a nod. "Temari-san. What's up?"

Maito Gai stepped enthusiastically from his own sake cup (and why wasn't Temari surprised that it was the same shade of green as his jump suit?) and offered a hand to Kakashi, who accepted it and was hauled to his feet. "What are you two doing here on this most glorious day?" the Green Beast asked. Temari fought the urge to twitch at the volume the bowl-cut haired man was using.

Shikamaru, it seemed, wanted to get straight to the point. "When did he ask for your help?" he said bluntly.

Both Kakashi and Gai blinked at him.

Shikamaru sighed. "When. Did. He. Ask. For.Your.Help?" he repeated the question.

Kakashi glanced at Gai and, although they couldn't see it, both Temari and Shikamaru got the distinct feeling that there was a shit-eating grin underneath that mask of his.

"I win." He said gleefully. "I said before they got back."

Gai chuckled. "Indeed you did, my Rival. I lose. As penalty, I will-"

"Tell me everything I want to know." Shikamaru interrupted. "Since, you know, you're not going anywhere."

Temari had about a second and a half to wonder when Shikamaru had cast the kagemane before Kakashi rolled his single visible eye. "Down boy." He said. "He asked us ages ago. Last year."

"In return for what?"

Kakashi smiled, his eye crinkling. "Oh, come on. Like I'd pass up free Akimichi-baked cookies." He said. Gai nodded. "They are most delicious, even if they hold no nutritional value whatsoever." He added.

Shikamaru stared at them.

"Cookies."

Kakashi nodded.

"You've been providing distractions, covering up romantic liaisons, and helping my best friend of over twelve years lie to me for cookies."

"That pretty much sums it up." Kakashi said, his tone becoming more sly. "Silly Shikamaru. We thought you'd figured it out already. Asuma had bet you'd get it months ago. I don't think he counted on Chouji being quite so devious."

"Rival, be fair." Gai responded. "Kankuro-san helped."

Temari, still standing on the sidelines attempting to process just what the hell was going on, felt a soft 'click' in her head as the gears started working. She looked from one elite jounin to another, a strangely murderous look rising on her face.

"You two."

Kakashi blinked. "We two?" he said, raising his hand. Temari slowly began walking over to them. "You two are the reason I was green for two weeks."

Now that wasn't exactly true. Temari turning green had, in fact, been her own fault, but after the week she'd been having- what with discovering her brother was hiding a lover, having to deal with a half-sloshed Hokage, and handling paperwork with a mousy assistant who still didn't trust her hidden village, she wasn't totally in the right state of mind. And to Temari, whose entire life had revolved around the overseeing and controlling of two dismally socially-retarded men, the answer to her problem was simple.

Destroy.

The fan was out before she thought about it, the gust of wind spiraling on its way before she thought of diplomatic consequences; before she could yell a warning Shikamaru dove out of the way, disengaging kagemane and giving Kakashi enough time to duck.

Maito Gai wasn't so lucky.

Shikamaru ALMOST laughed; almost, because the idea of laughing at one of two people in the entire village who could crush cantaloupes with two fingers didn't seem to be a good idea. Kakashi rose his one visible brow while easily reaching into his weapons pouch.

"Gai," he said, pulling out a vibrantly orange book and flipping up one dog-eared page, " you need a comb."

Temari thought, while preparing herself for death, that it would take more than a comb to fix THAT mess.

It looked a little bit like Gai had stuck his finger in a light socket- a light socket that was part of a tree, as the mass amount of twigs and leaves that were now wrapped in his shiny locks appeared to have been shot from a cannon. Even his eyebrows had somehow managed to catch tiny bits of bark, giving the illusion of tiny brown bugs crawling in his hair.

Gai blinked.

He blinked again.

Temari wondered what Tsunade would write for a missive to Suna to explain what had happened.

She hoped Gaara wouldn't declare war.

She hoped Kankuro's relationship...type...thing wouldn't be ruined.

Wait..what?

Who was laughing?

Temari snapped out of the icy prongs of certain doom to stare with eyes almost as wide as saucers at the Green Beast of Konoha, who was doubled over and giving great guffaws. When he finally managed to haul in his amusement, he grinned at Temari and half-turned, giving Shikamaru a sparkling thumbs up.

"Truly," he exclaimed loudly, "This is the most beautiful and adventurous desert blossom of Sunakagure's Springtime! I commend you on your taste, Nara!"

Shikamaru's protests died on his lips as Kakashi, seemingly done watching the show, stood up from his half crouch and nodded to Gai, who nodded back.

"If you want to know more, I'd suggest talking to Asuma." Kakashi said. "He's very disappointed with you."

Two hand signs later and neither jounin was in the clearing, leaving only the loud chirping of crickets and the barest stirring of dust left over from the furious blast of a Kunoichi fan.

**oOo**

Temari spent the rest of that afternoon trailing Shikamaru around, visiting various jounin of Konoha village.

They spoke to Asuma, who lambasted Shikamaru for not paying better attention and confessed that peanut butter cheesecake pops were more than a little addicting.

They spoke to Kurenai, who admitted that for a puppeteer, Kankuro had a remarkable grasp of genjutsus, and chocolate walnut whips were very hard to make by hand, who was she to deny free candy?

They managed to corner Iruka after his class was finished. He denied any sort of involvement until Temari, tired of running around, reached for her fan. Apparently, dolphins had a weakness for plum animitsu.

Shikamaru groaned. "Done in by Akimichi cooking." He said gloomily. "I rue the day he started learning." Temari had to smirk. "Some genius you are." She said.

Neither mentioned Gai's comment, but if either noticed that they were walking a little closer together than before, well, who would tell?

**oOo**

**Meanwhile, in Wave Country... **

"Thank GOD that's over."

"It wasn't that bad, Kankuro."

"Not that bad? You call a freak cold, thunderstorms, and an over-talkative merchant trying to set us up with that brainless slut he calls a daughter 'not bad'?!"

"Maybe I just have a higher tolerance to irritating things than you do."

"Maybe you're stunted."

"..."

"Uh, Chouji? Look, I didn't mean that the way it sounded, I SWEAR-eek!!"

_-two hours later- _

"How much longer till we leave?"

"An hour, maybe two. It looks like rain."

"AGAIN?"

"...you're worse than Shikamaru."

"No one's worse than Shikamaru. I wonder if he and my sister have banged yet."

"KANKURO!!"

"What?!"

**_A/N: Yes, you have an explanation. The brilliant and genius Nara Shikamaru was done in by cheesecake pops XD I just love the idea of the jounin of Konoha being so easily controlled with food. I hope Gai and Kakashi didn't bug anyone- I did my best but those two are hard and I was terrified to try anyone else. I also (slightly) apologize for the angst at the chapter's beginning- but it was kinda needed, so I'm not terribly sorry. Right, so, here ends Chapter 5: Recipe for Disaster. Only a few more to go! I hope..._**


	6. Icha Icha Akimichi

** Part 6: Icha Icha Akimichi**

Sabaku-no-Gaara was...concerned.

He was absolutely NOT worried because the Kazekage of Sunakagure did not worry over things so trivial as their brother's personal relations with ninja of other villages, unless of course that relationship went to hell in a metaphorical hand basket and either of them did something incredibly stupid to incite conflict between two shinobi powerhouses thus sparking the second Great War...

Okay, so he was a little more than concerned. And it showed in the letter he sent to Temari, which was waiting for her two days before Kankuro was due back from the Wave Country.

_Kankuro dating Akimichi. Powerful Clan. Old Clan. This is disturbing. _

Temari had to chuckle at that line, though she felt mostly the same way.

_Kankuro is...complicated. _

She had paused at that line. Gaara had called Kankuro many things in their lives- 'idiot' 'fool' and 'talentless hack' being among them- but he'd never called his older brother complicated.

_Obviously the relationship is working, if it took us this long to notice it. I haven't informed the council. Frankly, it is none of their business. Nor have I said anything to Baki, as the idea of Kankuro remaining intimately faithful to anyone might send him into some form of shock, seeing as he is the biggest prude in all of Suna. _

Temari's tea had damn near wound up all over the scroll at that one. It didn't help that she could imagine Gaara dictating the note out loud to himself, and see his minor gesticulations as he spoke in his consistent monotone.

_I think it would be wise for you to visit the Akimichi Patriarch, to see what-if anything- he knows about the relationship. Of course I'd prefer Kankuro do it, but we both know he wouldn't listen to me. He is due back in Sunakagure in the next few days, if his mission to wave country went well, so keep an ear to the ground- he might pass through Konoha._

_I am counting on you, sister. _

Temari did not want to visit the Akimichi Patriarch. She had seen him once in passing. A bear of a man, well over six feet in height and at least two hundred and fifty pounds. He had looked as though he could pick her up and snap her like a twig. However, she was acting as the official diplomatic liason of Sunakagure, and had already set up the appointment. Besides, whatever was behind the compound door had to be no scarier than Gaara before 'the exam'.

It certainly didn't help that the only person who had in-depth knowledge of the Akimichi was Shikamaru Nara, whom she had been studiously avoiding since that day he had dragged her around the entire village. However, desperate times called for desperate measures, and on the advice of Asuma (who had been out to buy cigarettes and roses; Ino was right, telling him to say Hi to Kurenai was a great way to get a reaction) she found her lazy chunin laying on a rooftop near the Hokage's tower, half-asleep, watching clouds.

"Gaara wants me to visit the Akimichi."

Shikamaru snorted.

"I don't know anything about them."

A soft grunt.

"Something tells me you do."

Shikamaru opened one dark eye. "They'll love you. They love anyone they consider underfed. Don't insult the family jutsus and don't mention the word 'fat'. Also, avoid any Uchiha talk unless you want to ask about Chouichi's breath."

"Chouichi's-what, does he have halitosis or something?" Temari asked, confused. Shikamaru rolled over so that he was fully facing her. "His breath. He breathes out visible carbon dioxide when he's annoyed. Which is often, especially when anyone with a sharingan comes up in conversation."

Temari nodded. "No Uchihas, right. Anything else?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "Just be decent. An Akimichi can spot a lying bastard a mile away. They like their visitors genuine, even when they're genuine assholes." He looked her up and down. "you're taking this well."

"Taking what well?" she asked neutrally, tugging on the grass.

"This thing with your brother and Chouji. I'd expect you or Gaara to react more..violently."

Temari shot him a look. "Is THAT what you think?" she said. "That all we do when faced with obstacles is beat them to a pulp?"

"It's all I've ever seen you do." Shikamaru pointed out. Temari glared at him. "And you're better, skulking around trying to figure out where you went wrong in controlling your best friend's life?" she responded coolly. Shikamaru sat bolt upright, glaring at her.

"I've never ONCE-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence, mostly because of a pair of pale coral lips slanted across his own.

It took about two minutes for them to stop staring at one another.

Temari licked her lips.

"that's facing an obstacle, crybaby. Good to see you know how to assert yourself." She said, and in a rush of wind she was gone.

**oOo**

She steeled her nerves as she stood before the brightly painted compound door, dressed in her best official kimono, small tessen fans tied around her waist. She could do this. It would be easy. All she had to go was get the Patriarch alone and then ask what he knew about her broth-

"Oh my goodness, look at you! Chouza, how could you leave this girl out here for this long?! She's practically skin and bones!"

Temari counted herself lucky that she managed to haul in her reflexes, which demanded that she grab the woman whose hand was clamped on her shoulder and toss her as far away as the winds would carry her.

She swollowed. "Um...Hello. I'm-"

"Temari, dear. You're Temari, of course, Kankuro-kun has told us all about you. He didn't mention you could disappear by standing sideways, though, the little scoundrel. Chouichi, budge up, make room for one more!"

Kankuro...kun?

KANKURO-KUN?!

"What has my brother told you, Akimichi-sama?" Temari heard her voice as though she was listening down the end of a very long tunnel.

"Oh, everything, dear. He's very fond of you and your brother. You come up a lot.Chouza, dear, if you don't get in here now we're eating without you!!"

Temari took a minute to inhale and observe her surroundings.

The dining room she was in was beautifully decorated with the motif of colorful birds. The hanging draperies were covered with the creatures, and the wooden screen which separated a part of the room was covered in a painting of a sakura tree housing singing birds. The table was large- probably, she noted, to accomodate the Akimichi who sat at it.

The woman who had hauled her into the compound and dragged her across the courtyard was looking out a door, making disapproving tutting noises in the back of her throat. She was very beautiful for an older woman, all curves and dark black hair going slightly silver at the edges, tied up in a messy bun. She was wearing a serving kimono and looked flushed.

A covert glance beside her revealed the infamous Chouichi Akimichi, who blinked startlingly pale blue eyes at her. He was almost as big as the Patriarch, but shared his mother's black hair. He smiled at her, and the blue streak tattoos across his cheeks scrunched up.

"Mother has that effect on people." He said in a soft, deep voice, pointing to where Temari's treacherous fingers had decided to twist in the bright red tablecloth. She smiled as though it hurt her teeth and attempted to make her digits let go as the woman returned to the table, rolling her eyes.

"You'd think it was the end of the world, the way he and Shikaku go on about the new Hokage." She said, shaking her head. "Back and forth, back and forth. I don't know why he bothers, Shikaku's impossible to budge. Now, dear, what brings you to our home?"

Temari did what any self-respecting person with a survival instinct would do.

She lied. Just a little.

"I just wanted to visit." She said. "Kankuro has been very...elusive when I ask about you."

"I'll just bet he is, the little brat." The woman said affectionately. "Can't give a straight answer to save his life. He's like a cat that way- better with riddles than pure sense."

Temari blinked a few times. Had she ever heard a better description of her sibling in less than five minutes before? "He can if he tries, Akimichi-sama."

"Oh, posh." The woman said, waving one plump hand. "Sama is for great men and women, Temari-san, and I am neither. You can call me Reiko, and WHERE IS THAT HUSBAND OF MINE?"

Temari counted herself lucky that she didn't jump, throw a kunai, or whip out a fan at the sudden increase in volume. A voice called down the hall, "Coming, dear."

"You'd BETTER be. The food is getting cold and we have company! Honestly, Chouza. You think you'd pick a better day to argue politics with your teammates."

"My dear," the Patriarch said, entering the room and closing the door behind him, "Is there any better time to argue with one's teammates than the present?"

"Oh, sit down, you old fool." Reiko said, a blush scouring her pale cheeks. "Chouza, darling, this is Temari, Kankuro-kun's older sister."

Temari stood and bowed, to the exact elegant degree of a noblewoman of Suna meeting the head of an old and powerful Clan. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Akimichi-sama."

Chouza laughed, and Temari decided immediately that she liked him; his entire body seemed to move with his laugh, as though there wasn't a stiff and angry bone in his body. "Well bred manners, all of you. I asked Kankuro if Sunakagure taught manners along with assassination."

Temari felt her blood run cold. "And what did he respond?" she asked.

"He said no, there was a class on ethics and a lunch period in between." Chouza settled at the head of the small table, smiling at her. "Welcome to our home, Temari-san. Please, eat."

And eat Temari did. She had never seen a more sumptuous spread of food. "Did you make all of this yourself, Akim-Reiko-san?" she asked. The woman smiled and nodded. "I pride myself on my cooking. Is it to your liking?"

Temari nodded. "It's amazing." She confessed. She had long ago grown accustomed to the foods of Sunakagure- plenty of nutrition, very little variety. As though he was reading her mind, Chouichi smiled at her.

"Usually we use the larger dining room," he confided in her, "but Mother thought that it would be a bit chaotic for you. The first time Kankuro came to dinner he nearly died from spasming, the poor boy."

"Yes," Reiko agreed, heaping more rice on a plate Temari hadn't even finished yet, "the poor thing was a-twitch and a-flinch the entire time. I don't think he was used to such a..."

"Cacaphony of complete chaotic nonsense?" Chouza offered from his seat. Reiko glared at him. He grinned back.

Temari took a breath, looking from one Akimichi to the other. She wasn't sure what to make of this. They seemed like..well, like they were in love, even after all this time. They exuded a warmth she didn't understand, like the many moth-lights that hung around Sunakagure. It was like she was standing at a window and looking in at one of those idylic scenes in the picture scrolls she had read before she had become too old for such trivial things.

"Reiko-san, Chouza-san," she said, putting down her chopsticks, "My brother is polite to you, yes? I would hope he acts in a way befitting his station."

Chouza nodded his great head. "Your brother is a very polite individual, Temari-san. Polite and thoughtful."

Temari bit back a snort. Kankuro was many things, she wanted to say, but 'polite' and 'thoughtful' weren't on the list.

"That's good to know." She said. "He has...been spending much time here, as of late?"

It was Chouichi who answered. "Every time he's in Konoha he winds up here." The older Akimichi brother replied. Chouza chuckled. "There's certainly enough room." He added. "And he and Chouji get on well."

Reiko shot her husband a look that Temari recognized- it was the same look she often saw the women of Sunakagure giving their husbands once their mouths had run a bit too fast. Chouza scratched the back of his head and smiled sheepishly as Reiko added more food to Temari's plate.

"Maybe you can stay and ask Chouji about your brother's stays here." Reiko suggested. "He's due back from wave country very soon- in the next few days, I'd think."

Temari blinked.

"Wave...country?"

"Yes," Chouza explained, reaching for the rice, "He had a routine escort mission- a merchant of some kind, I think- Temari-san, are you alright? You look rather pale."

**Meanwhile, just outside of Konoha... **

"Saaa, I'm tired. Let's stop."

"Are you kidding? The village is right over there!"

"...I know that."

"..Kankuro, you need to come up with better excuses than 'I'm tired'.."

"Okay, fine. Here's a better one: I am, in fact, fucking tired and I haven't been able to spend any real alone time with you since this goddamn mission began and I am NOT sexing you up in your Compound so your older brother can walk in on us AGAIN and threaten my life for the fifth consecutive time. Good enough?"

"...I guess so?"

"Good, now get the hell over- woah."

"What?"

"Chill in the wind..."

"What does that mean?"

"Uh..nothing, it's just a Suna saying."

"Oh, really."

"Yes, really, it's nothing you need to worry about so-DAMNIT CHOUJI! What did I say about the neck?! And stop POUTING at me!!"

**_A/N: Can you believe it took them that long to notice that they were on the same mission? XD Well, next couple chapters should be the last- thank you all for being so patient with me! And yes, I know, putting Chouichi in here is shameless, but he's my favorite OC and I needed to put him in somewhere. Besides, you know you love the idea of Chouji having a psychotically protective older sibling. Not like Itachi's the model brother of the year._ **


	7. The Melancholy of Yamanaka Ino

**Part 7: The Melancholy of Yamanaka Ino**

Asuma Sarutobi had warned his student that there would be trouble. He'd warned Chouji that keeping a relationship like the one he had with Kankuro secret from the Kazekage and the most notoriously violent Kunoichi this side of Sunakagure had been a bad idea. At the time, Chouji had laughed, smiled, and, handing his sensei another plate of peanut butter cheesecake pops, had informed him that it wasn't Temari he was worried about.

These were the thoughts that crossed Asuma's mind as he blinked down at Chouji, who had landed on his back in the middle of the jounin's living room, courtesy of an overly large three mon fan.

"'lo, sensei." The Akimichi said, blinking up at the ceiling.

Asuma leaned over the younger ninja. "Warned you."

"Revaluating situation." The chunin acknowledged in such a deadpan imitation of Shikamaru that Asuma had to laugh, even when he could hear the Kazekage's sister yelling from the street.

"cheesecake pop?" he offered the treat to his student, who blinked, shrugged, reached up and took the snack, then popped it into his mouth and continued to lay in a pile of plaster and woodbits, contemplating his place in the universe, or perhaps the best way to exit the abode without drawing the attention of a wind-happy harpy.

**oOo **

Kankuro hadn't known his sister was in Konoha.

If he HAD known his sister was in Konoha he still wouldn't have worried. It really wasn't his business what his sister did and everyone in Sunakagure knew she had a crush on Nara.

If he had known his sister was in Konoha and had spent the past week or so poking about his relationship with Chouji, well...

Then he would worry. But it was a bit too late for that.

"Was it the paint?" he asked from where he had jumped twenty vertical feet to a powerline, just barely missing the gust of wind that had knocked Chouji into a nearby home. "I bet it was the paint, I told him to hide it."

"The PAINT-" Temari whirlled around, catching her sibling in her crosshairs, "The BODYSUIT-" she swung; Kankuro backflipped off the wire and slid down the roof as the post began to creak- "The ANIMITSU-" she reached into her weapons pouch, producing a smaller fan as the larger one was flipped closed and reaffixed to her back. "Kankuro, how COULD you?!"

Kankuro made to shrug- then blinked sharply and jumped again, flipping in the air to sneer at Shikamaru Nara, who glared beadily at him from his position in the closest building's shadow.

"Sis, calm down." Kankuro said from his newest perch- a balcony edge. "You're gonna destroy half the village and that's the LAST thing we need. Hey babe, you okay?"

Temari blinked and turned around as Chouji emerged from the ruins of the wall she'd put him through when he hadn't been able to dodge, shaking plaster dust out of his hair. He gave a quick thumbs up and then held both hands in front of his chest in the universal 'peace' gesture.

"Temari-san," he said, "Please stop banging the village up. And Shika, don't you DARE."

Shikamaru's shadow automatically retreated as the Nara boy looked from his friend to Kankuro, who gave a cheeky little wave as he jumped lithely to the ground and headed for his sister, probably to give things a quick patching before half of Konoha wound up on the ground.

At least, that's what they figured.

Until Kankuro backhanded Temari across the face, grabbed her arm, and made a single seal- disappearing in a swirl of puppet wrappings.

This, of course, left Chouji, a badly damaged wall, and a quickly approaching crowd of hidden leaf ninja. Chouji turned to look for his friend but Shikamaru was gone.

"Psst! Chou!"

Chouji turned back around, seeing Ino standing in the nearby alleyway. "Come on!" she hissed. "Ibiki's with them! Time to cut and run!"

Chouji found that he agreed wholeheartedly and slipped into the alleyway. The two beat a hasty retreat, trying to ignore the fact that their sensei was standing in his brand new doorway, laughing his ass off.

**oOo**

There were many ways in which a ninja could solve approach potentially life threatening situations. Endless amounts of strategies had been thought up for an endless array of problems, but Chouji figured, sitting across from Ino and locked quite firmly inside the Yamanaka flower shop, that no one had ever faced quite this problem before. The group of nin had passed the store a few moments after Ino had closed the door; both crouched behind the displays until they were gone.

Now, of course, a set of ice blue eyes were boring holes into his hitai-ate as Ino looked at him with a face so reproachful that it was almost like he had withheld some vital information involving a certain missing Uchiha. He scratched the back of his head. There were plenty of ways to go about this talk- and he HAD known it was coming- and he'd gone over them plenty of times, mostly with Chouichi to help him.

_"Little bro, whether you like it or not keeping a secret- even one about a boy or girlfriend- from your teammates is basically a cardinal sin. So you can either avoid them until they come to you, or you can face it head on."_

_"Head on?"_

_"You know...like that time Dad used baika when we were having that fight at dinner. Got his point across, didn't it?"_

Chouji settled for his father Chouza's patented 'sudden baika no jutsu in the middle of a family dinner' approach.

"So who broke into my closet? You or Temari?"

Ino was caught off guard. She blinked at him for a few seconds. "Temari got the closet." She finally replied. "I took the dresser, Chouji," she said, "why didn't you TELL us?"

"Tell you what?" Chouji remarked. Ino practically snarled at him. "Oh, I don't KNOW. That you're GAY, that you're dating someone, that that someone happens to be the older brother of a bloodthirsty nutjob, that it's obviously been going on long enough that you leave clothes with one another-" she threw her hands up in the air."It's like someone stole Chouji and put this grinning imposter in his place! you've NEVER kept a secret from us, Chouji, ever!"

Chouji blinked. Were Ino's eyes...watering?

The blonde girl glared at him. Yep, yep that was definitely tears.

"Stupid jerk." she hissed. "Stupid, selfish, moronic-"

"Ino?"

The girl blinked.

"I love you. Shut up."

The blonde stared at her teammate as Chouji shifted to look at her, wearing his most earnest smile as he leaned in to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "I love you, Ino, I do. You're one of my best friends and a member of my team. You've saved my ass more times than I can count, and you've always been there when I needed you. But you're also the biggest busybody in all of Konoha and don't even bother lying about it because we all know it's true."

Ino opened her mouth to protest; Chouji held up a hand for silence. "I KNOW you wouldn't spread rumors about me, because I trust you not to. But think about it, Ino. Gaara's the Kazekage now. Spreading rumors is fun when they're generally harmless but any rumor about Kankuro automatically becomes malicious, get what I'm saying?"

Ino's eyes narrowed in irritation but she nodded. Chouji removed his hand. "And besides, you'd squeal. A lot. And make me go shopping, or something. I don't know, what girls do when they find out their guy friends are gay."

Ino looked affronted. "I wouldn't make you go shopping!" she protested. Chouji shot her a look. She deflated. "Okay, okay, maybe a LITTLE." She defended. "But do you really not trust me, Chouji?"

Chouji Akimichi smiled. "I trust you with my life, Ino. Just not my love life."

"Fair enough." The blonde conceded. She tipped her head back to look at the sky. "It isn't fair." she said softly. "I always thought I'd be the one to fall in love first."

Chouji gently patted her hand. "I wasn't trying to win a race, Ino."

"I know, I know." she huffed. "I should just suck it up."

"No." Chouji said quietly. "You shouldn't. You should be angry if that's what you want- what you need."

Ino swivelled her head around to stare at her teammate. Then she smiled- a real smile, not one of her many fakes, as bright as a sunflower and just as wide. "What the hell would we do without you, Akimichi Chouji?" she asked.

Chouji shrugged. "You'd die of self-inflicted starvation and Shikamaru would waste away watching clouds." he said, a spark in his blue eyes. Ino giggled, then tilted her head.

What do you see in Kankuro, anyway? From what I've heard he's a complete jerk, and I heard THAT from Hinata..who, admittedly, heard it from Kiba..."

"Didn't we just have the rumors lesson?" Chouji scolded. Ino stuck her tongue out at him. Chouji chuckled.

"He's everything good." He said with a smile, "Wrapped in an easily irritated black jumpsuit."

"God, I know, that outfit's HORRIBLE. We need to get him out of it." Ino glanced sideways at Chouji. "Shikamaru was with us. When we went rifling through your stuff, I mean."

Chouji nodded. "I figured."

"Um...he's pretty ticked, Chou."

Chouji smiled. "I knew he would be."

"Then why lie to him?" Ino asked in a small voice, hugging her knees. "I mean, keeping it from me.. I guess I can understand, but from Shika?" She squeaked as a set of large arms wrapped around her, tugging her against a large, soft body. She glared up at her friend as she snuggled into his chest.

"Because we're all growing up, Ino." He explained. "As much as we might wish differently ..we're all growing up."

**A/N: GAH. –falls over- I swear I fought tooth and nail with this chapter and it STILL isn't as long as I'd like it to be, but I couldn't stand not updating any longer. So, hopefully the next chapter will be better. –cries- Stay tuned for the next chapter, Brother Knows Best. **


	8. Brother Knows Best

**Part 8: Brother Knows Best **

Kankuro's transportation jutsu was not designed for two people. Its purpose was simple; to get one person (a person used to close proximity to things like strongly smelling poison, theatre paint, and heavy fabric) from place to place, or to replace a person with a puppet. Kankuro had had ten years to get used to the sensation of displacement and claustrophobia. Temari did not. So when they reappeared in the bathroom of her diplomatic suite at Hokage's tower, he was already reaching for a wet washcloth as she lost her lunch in the toilet.

When she was finished, she glared at him. He pointedly ignored the look and wiped at her cheeks and forehead. She grabbed the cloth from him and finished the job as he filled a glass with water. She took it and filtered the liquid through her teeth, spitting into the sink.

"You slapped me." She said this with a portent of doom, already making a memento mori of her brother's eyes, which she had decided would go first, just as soon as she nailed his bunraku hood to the wall in her room above her fan hooks.

"You were about to destroy half of a village that YOU are the diplomatic envoy to." Kankuro pointed out. "You looked like you needed a shock. And last time I checked, sister dear, you didn't like having personal conversations where everyone could hear."

Temari shot her brother a look and pushed the white door open, walking into the main area of her suite. Kankuro pulled off his sandals, depositing them near the door before coming in beside his sister and perching on a chair. Temari observed him there for a moment. He looked like a curious cat- head tilted, arms wrapped around his knees. If Kankuro had a tail, it would be lashing back and forth.

"Any particular reason you put Chouji through a wall?" he asked, and in his voice Temari heard echos of the many missions they'd run together, missions when someone taunted her brother in JUST the wrong fashion..and wound up as smears on his hands and puppets as a result.

The blonde bit her lip. This would be tricky. She had thought, walking into Konoha over a week ago, that she knew her younger brother- knew his nuances, his likes and dislikes, his personality. Looking at him now, she wasn't sure she understood anything at all.

"I'm waiting." Kankuro singsonged. "Seriously, Tem. Explanation would be good because in case you've forgotten, I did JUST come back from a mission and I hate being gross just as much as you do. Although I forgot to pack my apricot exfoliant."

"So why don't you go use the Akimichi baths?" she hissed, the barb towards her ritualistic hygiene slipping through the cracks. "Apparently you've done it before! Hell, you could even go now- you don't seem to have an issue wearing his clothes!"

Kankuro blinked.

Temari flushed.

He blinked again.

"Holy mother of Monzeimon, you're JEALOUS." He said. "You're actually jealous!"

"No I'm NOT!" Temari yelped, fighting the blush that rose furiously on her face. Kankuro's eyebrow rose.

"Well I know he's the hottest thing in Konoha, but he's all mine, you understand." He said personably, stepping lithely off the chair and sashaying back to the bathroom.

"How can you even SAY that?! Shikamaru's WAY hotter than that-"

The look Kankuro gave her as he slowly closed the door behind him was downright evil. Temari rose a hand to her mouth.

"Be right out, sister dear." He called sweetly. "don't do anything too dirty while I'm gone."

Temari's vicious line of swears was drowned out by his laughter and the sound of the shower head.

**oOo **

Fifteen minutes later, with a fresh coat of paint and a slightly better outlook on life, Kankuro exited the bathroom- to find his sister sitting right where he had left her, save a rather large box of...

Kankuro felt himself go pale underneath his kabuki design.

This was slightly more serious than he'd thought.

He came up beside Temari, making each movement deliberate and evident, though her fan was leaning on a wall opposite. He perched beside her. Without a word, Temari leaned into him, inhaling her brother's familiar scent of sandalwood and paint. Kankuro gulped hard.

"Seventy percent cocao?" he asked with a raised brow, attempting to sound jovial and failing miserably. Temari was no one's girly girl, and she wasn't a huge fan of chocolate. In fact, Kankuro could list on one hand the amount of times he'd seen her eat what he had come to lovingly call 'shitty-tasting brown chalk'.

When Gaara had transformed for the first time.

When Baki had told her that she would never be as good as the original Wind Dancer.

When they had finally been told that the Fourth had died.

Temari wrapped her arms around him. "It isn't fair." She said. "How come YOU'RE the one who can get what he wants so easily?"

Kankuro worked his jaw furiously. "EASY? Temari, are you serious?!" There had been nothing easy about it!

The blonde looked up at him and he winced; there were tears in his sister's eyes. Apparently whatever had been going down in his absence was stressful, because his older sister never cried. EVER.

"Look," he said quietly, "I didn't tell you or Gaara because I didn't want to deal with the red tape. It's as simple as that. As soon as someone from one village starts seeing someone from another village then there are issues and I didn't want to be bothered. It pisses me off that being in a relationship with someone outside our village is still seen as wrong." He looked at the box of chocolates. "Although by the look of things that isn't stopping you."

"I kissed him." Temari admitted.

"You-waitWHAT?" Kankuro wasn't the best younger brother but there are some things that are genetic. A tiny voice in the back of his head was already concocting a new poison. It would be a good test of his skills, and besides, it wasn't like anyone could tell that shadow boy had DIED; he hardly moved around as it was!

"I don't think I meant to." Temari replied. "He said something and then I said something and I'm sure I sounded confident at the time but.." She bit her lip. "I'm scared." She admitted.

Kankuro wished he could be surprised; he wasn't. Temari wasn't superhuman, much as she pretended to be. She was many things- brilliant strategist, a skilled warrior, a shrewd bargainer. She was also a teenager, and a woman.

With a heavy sigh, Kankuro leaned back against the cushions. "You know how I admitted to Chouji that I liked him?" he asked. Temari didn't respond. He continued, "I put on a puppet show. Made little six inch Chouji and Kankuro puppets and had them perform a date complete with goodnight kiss just inside the entrance to his tent. We were on a mission." Kankuro smiled at the memory. "I'd never been more scared in my entire life. As soon as it was done I took the puppets and booked it. Didn't even bother trying to be stealthy. Chiyo would have murdered me for it."

"So what happened?" Temari asked, fiddling with a chocolate wrapper. Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. "He wrote down all the pertinent parts he remembered and when we finally got back to Konoha he dolled himself up and showed up on my doorstep. Even bought lilies from that loudmouthed bitch Yamanaka."

Temari blinked as Kankuro tugged her into his arms. "You aren't always in control, sis." He said quietly. "but I don't think the lazy ass won't understand, either. If he couldn't accept all of you then he wouldn't bother with you. You're not the same as the girls here- and I think he knows that."

"No, I'm not the same." Temari said bitterly. "I've got rough hands and I have hair like straw and my hips are too wide and-"

A finger descended onto her lips as Kankuro rose a brow. "May I finish?" he asked politely, though promises of poison and puppet parts laced his tone. Temari nodded.

"It took me six months to finally meet Chouji without my paint on." Kankuro admitted. "And when I did...he didn't care. Because he accepted that as a part of me, like your fan and your rough hands and your NOT too wide hips are a part of you. And if Shikamaru Nara is as much of a man as he seems to think he's going to be, then he'd better accept that."

"and if he doesn't?" Temari asked. Kankuro shot her a look. "Then he meets my good friend Karasu's business ends." He said coolly. "Missions have collateral damage."

Temari would have laughed if she hadn't known that the last person to make her cry- a genin named Mitsu who told her that her hair, based on the four wind directions, looked stupid- wound up in the Sunakagure medical ward for severe sand burns and a case of terrible indigestion brought on by poisoned curry. She never had learned how Kankuro had talked Gaara into it. Maybe he hadn't had to.

"I'm not being too much of a girl, am I?" Temari asked after a period of silence. Kankuro grinned. "Baki would be lamenting." He said. "And I play a better girl than you even are."

Temari did smack him for that one, and he didn't bother moving; he deserved it.

"What now?" she asked.

Kankuro shrugged. "Well, now I think we wait for all the kunai in the air to hit something- unless you think there's gonna be no fallout from you randomly attacking a Konoha chunin."

Temari swore; Kankuro offered her the chocolate box. "Hey, it could always be worse. Gaara could be on his way."

**Meanwhile, in Sunakagure... **

"I'm going to Konoha."

"You're WHAT?"

"Keep an eye on things, will you?"

"Gaar-Kazekage-sama, you can't just abandon your post like this!"

"Baki?"

"...yes?"

"Kankuro. Sleeping with. Akimichi."

"...I'll make sure all the paperwork gets signed, sir."

"Good man."

_**A/N: And so the plot thickens...again. Poor Temari. Poor Kankuro. Poor Chouji. Would YOU want to piss off your best friend the genius? Anyway, you know the drill. Read, review, wait eagerly for the next chapter which will arrive when I write it...**_


	9. My Best Friend the Genius

**Part 9: My Best Friend, The Genius**

It was known to a small margin of people in the hidden ninja village of Konohakagure that Shikamaru of the Nara Clan was an honest-to-goodness genius.

It was known to only one person that this was a load of crap.

Now Chouji never denied that his best friend was smart- because he was. Shikamaru was the brains behind his brawn and Ino's deception. Shikamaru could plot out a battle ten to a hundred steps in advance, win any shougi game he played (except against his father) and figure out motive before his target even started moving.

But really, he wasn't a genius; he was just smart.

These were Chouji's thoughts as he climbed up a familiar hill, fresh bag of chips in hand. Kankuro, he knew, was probably talking down his sister at the Hokage tower; Ino had agreed to stick around the flowershop and deny any knowledge of his whereabouts if Ibiki Morino showed up. This left just one person to talk to before the shite officially hit the fan.

And even when he was pissed, Shikamaru was just too damn lazy to go anywhere else.

"I have decided," Chouji said, taking up his customary position on Shikamaru's left side, "that there is no possible way you can be a genius."

Shikamaru didn't bother rolling over; instead he just blinked slowly and glanced at Chouji. "Why is that?" he asked, and though his tone didn't really change, Chouji had known him long enough to see the glint in his eyes. Opening his bag, the Akimichi took a chip and happily munched it. "Because," he said after he swallowed, "A genius would have already admitted to the girl he liked how he felt about her, and wouldn't be spending his time sulking."

"I am not sulking."

"Yes you are."

"Troublesome."

"Don't I know it." Chouij offered Shikamaru a chip; the other nin took one and continued to stare up at the clouds.

"You know, it wasn't really planned." Chouji said. "I mean he's the one who approached me first. It was just so weird- he had these little tiny puppets. Cute, but weird."

"Why?"

Chouji smiled gently. Here they had reached the heart of the matter.

"You remember the day we met?" Chouji asked. "When we were playing ninja and I was too slow for the other kids?" Shikamaru didn't reply. "We spent almost all of our time together after that. I mean you've heard Ino say how creepy it is when we each predict what the other will do- when we each know where the other is, or what the other is thinking. It's just the way we've always been."

Chouji munched on another chip. "So I wondered what would happen if I did something you didn't predict. I mean it wasn't easy- I knew I couldn't fool you. So I had to get some help." He smiled. "Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei in particular were very helpful." He leaned back, settling beside Shikamaru in the grass.

"We're getting older, Shika." Chouji said quietly. "We're not genin anymore. We're still team 10, and I don't think that will change. I mean look at our fathers. But, still...there are parts of us that we don't share with one another anymore. And I think this has to be one of those things."

"So why didn't you say anything?"

Chouji glanced at Shikamaru in alarm as he heard the tears in his best friend's voice; he smiled, though his lip trembled. "Crybaby." He teased lightly. "Because you're too lazy to do anything about it. And we both know it."

"You've been too damn troublesome." Shikamaru replied, determindly ignoring the fact that he was crying. "The both of you."

"I don't like it anymore than you do, Shika." Chouji replied. "But it's the truth."

"You know I hate cats."

Chouji blinked- then started laughing. He reached out an arm, wrapped it around Shikamaru; the skinner ninja plopped his head on his best friend's stomach with a heavy sigh.

"Being angry is troublesome." He grumbled into the red fabric of Chouji's armor. The Akimichi grinned. "That's why you never manage to stay that way." He commented. "And for the record, they aren't cat ears. They're bunraku tips."

"What?"

"Bunraku tips. It's a puppeteer's outfit." Chouji smiled. "There's a whole big explanation for pretty much everything he wears, actually. He could talk your ear off about it if you asked."

"Why him?" Shikamaru asked. "I mean are boys less troublesome than girls?"

Chouji shrugged. "No. They might be more. But Kankuro isn't troublesome at all."

"You're lying."

"No, I'm in love. There's a difference."

"I don't like him."

"Well he isn't too fond of you, either. And that brings us to issue number two." Chouji eyeballed his best friend. "Ino tells me you're smooching the Glorious Sand Blossom."

Shikamaru groaned and rolled over, burying his head under his arms. Chouji smiled wistfully. "Man, I wish I could have been there for that. Bet he yelled it so loud half of Konoha went deaf."

Shikamaru winced. "No. No you don't want to have been there for that. No one should have been there for that."

"Well that's one of the reasons Kankuro doesn't like you."

Shikamaru blinked. "Just one? what are the other ones?"

"Well..You squint too much."

Shikamaru blinked. "Are you serious?"

"Yep."

"...you're dating a complete whackjob."

"So they tell me."

"Who is 'they'?" Shikamaru asked. Chouji grinned and offered his friend another chip. "Oh, you should have seen Asuma's reaction." He said. "Of course it was _nothing _compared to how Chouichi bitched.."

Neither said anything more about the situation; because they weren't adults quite yet. They were still Shikamaru and Chouji, and some things didn't need to be beaten to death. The conversation turned to Akimichi Clan politics, Ino's latest romantic conquest (which had, as per usual, ended badly) and various other topics as the clouds rolled by.

In the middle of a talk invovling the 'troublesome woman', Shikamaru rolled over and twitched as Chouji shivered. They looked at one another.

"What the heck was that? Felt like someone walked over my grave or something." Chouji said.

Shikamaru shrugged, though his (too squinty) eyes slid shut as he observed the clouds more closely than before. "Troublesome." He muttered.

**Meanwhile, halfway to Konoha... **

The wind rustled past his shoulders at almost gale force, so fast were his movements. He kept bright jade eyes facing forward. The hawk bearing his message would soon arrive in Konoha. He would be right on the bird's tail.

Images of his sister and brother swam before his eyes. Kankuro claiming sanctuary for them in the Playhouse during the chaos of their father's death; Temari trying to cook and lighting half their small kitchen on fire. He wondered idly if anyone would notice two Konoha chunin suddenly disappearing off the face of the planet.

The Sand rustled in his gourd, excited, eager.

No, no. Accidents were easy to set up.

He'd been doing it since he was six, after all.

_**A/N: -insert Jaws music here- that is all. Okay, so it's not all- I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but things will pick up once Gaara finally makes it onto the scene. Chaos, thy name is Suna.  
**_


	10. All's Fair in Love and War

**Part 10: All's Fair in Love and War**

It wasn't hard for Gaara to understand why his siblings fell for the people they did.

Even though he had spent a long time as a heartless monster (and still was, most would argue, essentially a socially inept fool) that also meant that he had had a lot of time on his hands to observe other people. He didn't know exactly why the people of his village did the things they did, but Temari and Kankuro weren't just 'people of his village'. They had been his teammates, his keepers, and more recently his friends and siblings. A great part of his younger days had been spent merely watching them, much to their annoyance and ill-hidden fear.

So it wasn't a great surprise when Kankuro's romantic escapades came to light. It made sense to Gaara; from those limited observations of Akimichi Chouji he'd made, the boy was cheerful, gentle, and most certainly didn't take things at face value. He didn't scare easily and took things as they came. For Kankuro- wild, dangerous, constantly shifting Kankuro- Chouji was a rock, something to ground himself on.

Temari's choice, also, wasn't that unexpected. Shikamaru was smart- very smart. He didn't defer to her as the daughter of a Kazekage. She didn't have to prove herself to him because he simply couldn't care less, but he was still able to trounce her when the need arose. Shikamaru was an endless challenge, and with him Temari- razor sharp, biting, soft-underbelly Temari- would never be bored.

No, Gaara didn't have a hard time understanding how his siblings fell in love.

That didn't mean he had to be happy with it.

"Kazekage-sama!" One of the proctors of that long ago chunin exam- the one with the oral fixation and the senbon- was standing at the gate. "We didn't know you would be coming to Konoha!"

"There was something that came up." Gaara replied. "My hawk should have arrived by now."

"Of course, but you cannot enter the village without notification, Kazekage-sama.." Genma trailed off, biting the tip of his senbon as he saw those black-ringed eyes narrow.

"If I must be detained, I will be. But I am most displeased."

Genma swallowed hard. "O-of course you don't need to be detained, Kazekage-sama! I can get someone to take you to the Embassy right now."

"I know my way to the Embassy." Gaara replied, stepping over the line that signified entry to Konoha and shooting the other desk nin- the one with a long acid burn down his face- a look that could kill a person, then dig them up and kill them again. "I will report to the Hokage."

_After I have reduced Akimichi Chouji and Nara Shikamaru to smears on the ground, of course. _

"Right." Genma nodded. "Well, alright then. Enjoy your stay, Kazekage-sama!"

Gaara gave the two men a curt nod and continued on into the village. When he had rounded the first corner, Genma sighed deeply as Raido slumped in his seat.

"'do my job for the day' he says." The scarred ninja growled. "It's like taking candy from a baby' he says. I swear I'm gonna castrate Kotetsu with a dull kunai next time I see him."

"Damn that kid gives me the creeps." Genma muttered.

"Hey guys!" Genma and Raido looked up at the familiar silhouette of Ebisu, who leapt from the nearest rooftop and landed in front of the check in desk. "Word from the Hokage. The Kazekage's going to come through here sometime today-GAH!" Ebisu leapt to the side as Genma's senbon imbedded itself in the ground where he had just been standing. "Genma, what the hell?!"

Raido just started laughing.

**oOo**

Chouichi Akimichi was as unflappable as the rest of his extensive family. Granted, he was a bit more sharp tongued than any Akimichi had a right to be, and he had this certain air of doom about him that wasn't a family trait, but he was surprised very little by the actions of people. And so when he (being on guard duty) opened the large red door of his family compound, Chouichi couldn't say much other than "Hello, Kazekage-sama." To the small, dark-ringed teenager who was looking at him with a distinctly murderous expression.

"I take it you're looking for my younger brother." Chouichi added when the stone-faced redhead at his doorstep didn't offer anything other than a cordial nod.

Gaara didn't even blink.

Chouichi raised an eyebrow. "You know, my brother. Sleeping with your brother."

The Kazekage's eyebrow twitched.

Chouichi shrugged. "I think it goes against sibling law for me to rat him out. But if you ask my Mother-"

here Chouichi smiled in a distinctly evil way- "I'm sure she'd love to tell you the whereabouts of everyone you're looking for."

Now, as we have come to establish, Sabaku-no-Gaara, while proving to be an excellent Kazekage, wasn't exactly hip to body language lingo. So, seeing the logic in Chouichi's suggestion, he crossed the threshold into the Akimichi main courtyard.

Let us reestablish this.

The physically slight, always-looking-underfed, extremely pale Kazekage walked, completely willingly, into the lair of the one family in Konoha with a fixation on food in all of its forms.

"Chouichi! I know you're on duty but have you seen- oh my!"

He didn't have a chance.

Gaara blinked at the plump woman in purple who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, wiping her hands on a rag and pushing strands of dark hair back from her face.

"Chouichi! You didn't tell me we had a visitor! And the Kazekage, too- I'm sorry, Kazekage-sama, if I'd known I'd have dressed better..goodness, you look positively ghastly! When was the last time you had anything to eat?!"

Reiko Akimichi patted her round cheeks in what could be called mock-horror. "A three day run between here and there- and I bet you didn't even stop for any kind of food, just like that fool Maito. Someday that man will learn he can't save the world on power smoothies! You follow me, dear, and we'll fix you right up before you go to the Embassy! Don't tell the Hokage this, but the people she hires in that cafeteria, well, I'd rather eat dirt."

Chouichi Akimichi watched with no small amount of satisfaction and awe as his mother Reiko- untrained civilian, cook extraordinary, and Matriarch of the Akimichi Clan- wrapped her broad callused hands around the shoulders of one of the most dangerous ninja in the world and steered him towards the kitchens.

Gaara blinked rapidly. What had happened? He was still in control of this situation, right?

Right??

He looked over his gourd strap at Chouichi, who was leaning against one of the huge posts, grinning in a way that reminded the Kazekage of his older brother- the look of a cat who'd caught a canary. The eldest Akimichi gave a little wave, then headed out the gate whistling.

**oOo**

Word that the Kazekage had entered the village reached Shikamaru first, and only because it woke him up from his nap; Tsunade's yell had practically shaken the foundations of the tower. With a yawn and a stretch he'd promised the troublesome old woman that he'd find the leader of the Sand Village, then moseyed his way out the door and into the street. It was there that his eyes caught on a dark blue juggernaut moving easily through the crowd.

"Chouichi." He greeted. Relations between the oldest Nara and his best friend's brother had always been a little frosty, mostly due to several early morning incidents wherein Shikamaru- completely exhausted and not thinking quite straight- had thrown rocks at the wrong window. Chouji often assured his friend that Chouichi, whose kunai aim was legendary, missed him on purpose. Shikamaru attested that Chouichi was just as tired as he was and probably hadn't been trying hard enough.

"Nara." Chouichi nodded. "If you're looking for the Kazekage, he's otherwise occupied."

Shikamaru couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. "You siced your mom on him."

"It's not my fault he came in around lunchtime, and besides, all's fair in love and war." Chouichi said with a grin. "But I suggest we find puppet boy and my brother. I somehow think once he's done digesting Mr. Sandman's gonna be headed for them."

"He wouldn't kill Chouji." Shikamaru said with a raised brow. "That's just bad politics."

Chouichi shrugged. "Hey, I tried to kill Kankuro. What's gonna stop him? And last time I checked you were on the plate for making out with his sister."

"Troublesome." Shikamaru muttered, trying to ignore the burning in his cheeks. Chouichi chuckled. "Troublesome or not. Nara, you don't seem like the kind of guy who'd want sand in places sand doesn't belong. I give it two hours before mom lets him out the door and that gives us two hours to comb this village and warn the appropriate parties."

"Ino." Shikamaru said confidently. "If anyone knows anything it's her."

"And if not her than the pink-haired girl," Chouichi acknowledged. "Let's go."

Ino knew where Chouji and Kankuro were; the puppeteer had been preparing to return to Suna, and they'd both headed back to the Akimichi Compound. Chouichi declared that he'd head them off at the pass.

"And Temari?" Shikamaru asked, pointedly ignoring the wide smirk of the Akimichi behind him. "where is she?"

Ino leaned forward, her bright blue eyes filled with the kind of nervous energy Shikamaru only recognized from fights with Sakura and fawning over Sasuke. "She's at the Embassy."

Shikamaru nodded and turned to go- only to feel a wet 'thud' to the shoulder as the ringing of the bell above the door signaled Chouichi's rapid departure. The Nara looked down at the bundle of flowers that Ino had chucked at the back of his head.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with these?" he asked skeptically.

Ino's smile grew wider.

"Trust me, Shika," she said. "Just...trust me."

_**A/N: Oh, Chouichi. I love you so much. And yes, if you were paying attention, that was a reference to the original Mr. Sandman song. Because the vast amounts of Gaara videos on youtube set to it amuse me. Sorry this update took so long, guys, and for those of you still reading, thanks for sticking with me. Anyone who wants to cry "OOC Gaara"- you're absolutely right, but faced with Reiko Akimichi, you'd be a little stunned to. Besides, he doesn't want to ruin all the hard work Temari's put into diplomatic relations. Stay tuned for Chapter eleven, "The Secret Life of Flowers"**_


	11. The Secret Life of Flowers

**Part 11: The Secret Life of Flowers**

There were many people who argued that flowers had no place in a ninja's world. Flowers were beautiful, delicate, and ornamental; what use were they when there was blood to spill? The Yamanaka clan had been working for years- ever since they joined Konoha just after it formed- to dispell the myth that flowers were harmless. From Patriarch to Matriarch to eldest son or daughter, the Yamanaka had been giving flora a fighting chance for decades. Ino Yamanaka proudly walked this path behind her father Inoichi, famous for the nickname 'Flowershop Boy" and his special hybrid roses, with thorns so sharp they could pierce steel plating and shred castle walls.

Flower jutsus were almost always more deadly in the hands of a woman, due to the sheer nature of the weapon in question and the methods in which they were applied. The females of the Yamanaka Clan had been Konoha's spies, assassins, and trump cards for years. Ino carried pollen to knock a person out in a vial that was pinned to her collar. She had truth serums, nerve potions, and almost every poison imaginable. She was proud, she was beautiful, and when you got her in the right mood she was deadly.

So it goes without saying that Ino was a bit of a master where flowers were concerned. She knew the meaning, the humidity level, and the possible toxicity of every plant that crossed the threshold of her shop. Being a woman, Ino knew how flowers spoke to other girls- and being a Yamanaka, she couldn't help but meddle.

She'd put together the bouquet just that morning. It had been a game- how to say "I love you but I'm too much of a lazy idiot to come right out and say it" without being overbearing.

"Orchids," she said to herself as she tidied the shop. "Magnificence." Three orchids- white, lightly brushed with purple- had been the center of her masterpiece. Magnificent- Shikamaru might not use the word to describe Temari _out loud, _but Ino knew what she saw.

"Blue acacia," Ino said as she dusted around the register- concealed love. A few sticks of blackthorn- difficulty, _I do not know what to say. _Edelweiss- courage, _will you make the first move? _A gladiola- sincerity. Jonquil. Love me.

Of course, she'd tossed in a few ferns for strength, some baby's breath to fill in the blank spots, and down near the very bottom- if Shikamaru bothered to look- he would find an oak leaf geranium and a four leaf clover. Good Luck, my Friend.

It had been a complete pain to find all of the flowers- a fact which Ino wanted to complain about loudly to anyone who would listen- but she hoped it would be worth it. She crossed her fingers, closed her eyes, and prayed to the gods of love who had yet to bless her that Temari, though she lived in the desert, would understand the secret life of flowers.

When her father came into the shop, about ten minutes after Shikamaru and Chouichi had left, and saw his daughter smiling, he knew it was better not to ask. He'd hear about it sooner or later.

Ino left the shop whistling and headed for the hospital. Sakura would be on break soon.

**oOo**

When Shikamaru Nara arrived at Temari's door with a bouquet of flowers, she knew that something was up. She stared at the bundle and then at him with a face that clearly said she wasn't sure what to think.

"Your brother is here." Shikamaru said, holding the bouquet out to her. "The other one."

Temari took the flowers and weighed the pros and cons of putting them in water before or after she locked Shikamaru in a closet and battened down the hatches.

"When did he get here?" she asked neutrally, moving away from the door and letting Shikamaru inside. The Nara stood in the small alcove, as though unsure of what to do. He latched his arms behind his head and decided to follow Temari into the small kitchenette as she went on the hunt for a vase.

"About two hours ago." Shikamaru informed her. "He's at the Akimichi Compound.

Temari filled the vase with water, letting a small smile grace her face. "Chouichi?" she asked. Shikamaru nodded.

"I didn't think an Akimichi could be so devious."

"Clearly, you haven't been paying attention." The Nara muttered, still slightly displeased with just how devious the Akimichi were turning out to be. Temari put the flowers in the vase and carried it into the livin room, placing it on the small coffee table with the remnants of her box of chocolates. She sat down on the couch and patted the cushion beside her. Shikamaru sat down and automatically became boneless, slung every which way like there was nothing to him but skin.

"You can't hide behind me, you know." Temari said. "He won't let you."

Shikamaru cracked open an eye. "Who says I'm hiding?" he asked.

Temari sat straight up and looked at the vase, then at him. "Why did you bring me these?" she demanded. Shikamaru, sensing danger, sat up as well. "Ino passed them off to me." He said, eyeing the flowers. "She thought I needed help."

"Maybe you do." Temari replied. "Since you're completely hopeless at this-this-whatever this even is!" she threw her hands up in the air. "Is it more convenient to let others do the talking for you, is that it? Do you even know what some of these flowers mean?! I'm amazed she didn't all but throw the book at you and tell you to figure it out yourself! How do she DEAL with-"

Temari had been working herself up into rant mode, which Kankuro could have told Shikamaru had been known to last anywhere from hours to days, depending on the topic. Being a genius, Shikamaru ascertained this without the puppeteer's help, and made, for perhaps only the second time in his life, a split second decision.

Kissing Temari, he thought to himself, was a little more enjoyable than being kissed by her, if only because he had always gotten enjoyment out of surprise.

"Troublesome." He murmured when they parted. Temari's fingers brushed her lips in shock as one of his hands grasped hers.

"All of this," Shikamaru said, sweeping an arm out to encompass the flowers, the chocolate, and the woman in front of him, "is troublesome."

He leaned forward, his forehead brushing against Temari's as for the first time, he looked her right in the eye.

"But you aren't troublesome at all." He said.

It was the closest thing to 'I think I might love you' that Temari knew she would ever get.

"That's good." She said, her voice shaking. "because you aren't troublesome either."

"Your brother is going to kill me."

"No he won't."

"Please don't let him kill me."

"He won't kill you."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

"Why not?"

"Because if he were," Temari said, glaring at the small eye that had formed near the ceiling partway during their conversation, "he wouldn't have bothered watching first."

On the other side of the door, a very full Sabaku-no-Gaara considered his choices carefully, and decided that peaceful surrender was the best option.

**oOo **

**Meanwhile, on the other side of Konoha…**

"When did he get here?"

"About two hours ago."

"Damn. Thanks, Aburame."

"No problem."

"Hey, if he kills you, can Akamaru have your armguards for chewtoys?"

"…Kiba, you're so lucky killing you would cause an inter-clan incident."

"I'll take that as a no- oh, Hi Hokage-sama!"

"Hoka-GAH!"

"Akimichi. Where's your boyfriend?"

"My-er-well-..he's upstairs, ma'm."

"I need to see both of you, the Kazekage, and Nara and Temari. As soon as possible."

"Um, Hokage-sama-"

"NOW, AKIMICHI."

"…yes ma'm."

_**A/N: and that's chapter 11 completed! I'm sorry it took me so long to update, guys- the last semester got crazy and then I was on a study abroad for three weeks. Really I've got no better excuse. I think there might be one or two more chapters left in me with a possible sequel ahead. Again, sorry for making you wait so long. Hope the Temari/Shikamaru sugar at least partly makes up for it.**_


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